Baby Steps & Giant Leaps!

Someone who knows part of this journey, and indeed is part of this journey, said to me “baby steps,” and I turned round and said “no – GIANT LEAPS”.  This is the journey of both the baby steps of the last couple of months, and the giant leaps.  I believe I am a different person, people tell me I am a different person.  I fight some of the same battles every day, some haven’t changed, but I know Jesus had already won them all for me.

Now at this point, I see many people turning off.  Those of you who don’t want to know about God.  Well – you’re reading this because you’ve known me at some point, because you’ve been directed here, or because God has brought you here.  Please don’t switch off just because this is mostly about what God has done in my life.  Please simply accept that, and read on, and I pray you will see God is real, Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive in me, and He can be in you too.

To start, I must look at where I’ve come from.  At times, a dark, dark place.  Actually quite a lot of times – a dark, dark place.  If you read the last 90+ pages (my Word Document is on page 96 of all the blog posts put together), you’ll see ups and downs at various points.  You’ll see where the Lord has placed me and places where things have been taken away from me.  If you haven’t read all that at some point, then I’ll give a brief recall of the bit before these amazing last few weeks.

Around eighteen months ago, my best friend of 20 years, Paul, passed away after suffering from cancer.  He was the only human friend I really talked to with any routine regularity, and the only friend I’d properly kept for any length of time regardless of being involved in a specific group and the friendship being quite limited to the activities of that specific group.

I got involved in two groups I had previously had to come away from in my attempts to find friends, socialising and indeed something to do in my spare time.  Over periods of months, they didn’t work out, and I was kicked out of both groups within a couple of months, and it really affected me.  I wrote this of that time in May 2017:

“I spent the next two weeks really struggling, as I literally had nothing to do.  I can’t remember how many times I just wanted someone to phone me, talk to me, and want to actually know I existed.  I lost count of how many nights I went to bed not wanting to wake up in the morning, and then finding I never actually slept to wake up from.  I lost the ability to talk to people at will, without having to specially arrange something, without others being in the way, and without it being forced to fit around a specific activity.  Nothing has replaced that since, and I am nowhere close to seeing an alternative.”

Now writing in October 2017, I don’t miss either group.  At the time I had also gained and lost a couple of people I thought were good friends, which turned out not to be the case.  And in a way which only God can work, one of these people introduced me to their then wife, with whom I am now good friends with.

So, I’m going through the daily battles in my world – mostly work related.  The hardest thing looking back is that I wasn’t seeing God at work, in the people at work or in me at work.  I was constantly praying for a new job, applying for jobs, trying to do anything and everything to get out of being in a place which was destroying me for 45 hours + per week, and that I couldn’t get away from even when I wasn’t at work, such is the life living with the same people I work with.

Quite honestly, I was stressed, depressed, anxious and suicidal at times, lonely and a whole lot more.  I wrote before about going to bed, and praying the Lord would take me away in my sleep, only to find I didn’t sleep, so I was still here the next morning.  I knew I was at the time, I know I was now, but all I knew to do was to pray for a way out, to be in a different place, and to not feel so alone.

What came next was my 30^th birthday, as described in the previous blog post.  I prayed at the time for the friend who was called by God to talk to me that morning would know how special and important that day was.  We both know now, as it was the beginning of a friendship that has grown and grown and grown since.  We broke down the barriers that were in the way that morning, and we let God in.  God brought us together.  We broke the barriers down and let God in.

I have to openly admit that I let things go a bit quiet again.  I know now that I had an encounter with God that day, but I didn’t keep hold of it.  At work, I was worse than ever.  I felt lonelier than ever too – maybe because I had seen a friend, but not one yet who I could talk to openly and freely.  I know we both prayed into an opportunity to meet together and meet with the Lord, and to break down more barriers, and work out why the Lord was bringing us together.  In those weeks, I had some very strong physical stress symptoms and sleeping got worse, and nightmares came.  I was being attacked now harder as my strength had risen with the Lord, and at the time, I didn’t realise it.

I was praying more than previously, though many of my prayers were still “help” or what I would call very passive prayers – perhaps even selfish ones.  There have been many moments in church where I’ve been able to share prayers during intercessions, but one at the end of one week, I knew I was struggling.  I went to church on the Sunday morning in a mess.  I sat down in the back corner, and just put myself in prayer with the Lord.  The Lord gave me six words to share in a prayer in the intercessions, and at that moment, I was attacked – only 3 words actually came out.  As the service progressed, I had another attack and was nearly physically sick in church.  After the service I was just left sat there, finding the Lord again.  I knew I could not move until I had sorted myself, and I didn’t move.  4 people came and prayed with me, and I left when I was at calm and peace with the Lord once more.

It really pushed me to put some friends around me who I could, if nothing else at that time, just give a string of issues to and ask them to pray into.  Of the small group, most took the idea on board, some even replied to my messages, a couple even started up what you would call conversation.  That week ahead I knew would be a difficult one.  On top of 5 days of work, came next a Bank Holiday weekend, where all my plans had fallen apart now I had no commitments to the groups I was no longer a part of.  Before that came two of the days without my parents at work – worse still, they weren’t going away anywhere, and they would be around at home when I finished work, so I felt I had no space at all to let go if I needed to, because as soon as I got home, I’d have to come out with what had happened.  Dad in particular threatened to just turn up at work if he wanted to – his supposed excuses were dealt with the day before he was off by the rest of us who instructed my parents to actually have the days off.

The first day of the two they did.  The situations weren’t brilliant.  As with most things then, I got through somehow, but I wasn’t coping with it.  There were certain things left in a mess or without explanation, things happen that were promised that nobody knew about, and a lot more I can’t put on here, and it doesn’t really matter.  That Thursday night, I was up half the night on the toilet being poorly – the gases in my stomach were pushing everything inside around, and it just wasn’t very pleasant at all.

I got through work on the Friday somehow, but a lot of things were just left as I really wasn’t very well.  Indeed, I didn’t eat anything properly until the Saturday evening.  Some people would call this a stomach bug, but it was a huge attack mixed with my stress and anxiety.  That bank holiday weekend was a quiet one.  Saturday I spent trying to recover physically, Sunday was church and not much else, and I’d run out of things to do by Monday.  I prayed as I often did for someone to want to be a part of my world, and for something to fill the blanks.

This time, someone did want to fill the blanks.  I had a message asking if I wanted to go for lunch.  I said yes, and then the anxiety kicked in.  I’d never done lunch with a friend before.  We’d talked about meeting up so many times, but I’d taken it to be another one where a lot got talked about and that was about as far as it went.  I just said to tell me where to go and you sort out what we do, because I have no idea.  I prayed, I was incredibly nervous.  Once we were sat down, and had sorted out the worldly bit of dealing with our surroundings, all that nervousness and anxiety went.  We enjoyed our lunch, and we went for a walk.  I gave some of my life story and where God was in me at that time, we sat on a bench and prayed together – just us and God.  It was so, so peaceful.  Something I’d never done before, and I pray I’ll be able to do again sometime.  God had delivered me something I needed to do, a way to cope with it, and given me a clear angel to help me along my way.  And I knew God had given me for them too, and so did they.

The afternoon naturally came to a conclusion, in our own time.  We said we needed to make sure this wasn’t the last time.  On the Tuesday, I went back to work.  Not easy, and now having to deal with what didn’t happen on the Friday when I was poorly.  As the week went on, I got worse and worse in my mind.  I had seen something I wanted more of, but couldn’t get hold of it.  On the Thursday, I broke down several times.  The cries for help I sent day I walked out of work 3 times, and then broke down whilst sending messages to people urgently asking for prayers.  I saw another situation on the Friday I thought I couldn’t handle.  I don’t have any messages that say I majorly broke again on the Friday, so I presume it wasn’t as bad as I was fearing, but I wasn’t getting through a single day.

On the Sunday, the Lord presented an opportunity to put a couple of issues straight.  On the Thursday evening whilst I was well in pieces, three things happened.  I shared my situation with a handful of close friends who I knew had been praying for me.  I arranged to meet with our minister from church for a chat, as I had now had two encounters with God which were big, but I was struggling to keep hold of God in everyday work.  And I got lumped with a reading for Sunday morning’s service.  The reading wasn’t an easy one, and I recall not being very happy about being stuck with it – someone had said yes before asking me.  Recall that last time the Lord called me on a Sunday morning, only three words of the six He gave me got out and I was poorly from the attack made on me.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but this was my time to show my strength, my faith and the power of the Lord to overcome all of this.  It was our minister taking the service.  Again, I was in a corner praying deeply as I knew I was fighting to make it work.  We had the communion part of our service first, and God had led us to take communion from each other rather than directly from the minister.  Basically one person would take communion, and then give communion to the next person.  My heart sank.  I had this huge fear of having to receive and take communion with either someone I didn’t know that well, or worse with people I am just not comfortable around.  As it was, the Lord put His hand on the situation.  There were two special people to me that week – the one I’d met up with for lunch and shared the afternoon with, and grandma who had the worst of me that day when I walked out of work.  The Lord worked so I received from one, and shared communion with the other.  Hallelujah!  It was so peaceful and perfect.

I went back to my seat, and was led to Psalms 133 & 134.  At the end of the communion part of the service, we sang.  After that I was called to give my reading.  I was led to read part of one of those Psalms first, and then my reading.  I was so blessed that day.  I had defeated the attacks from previously, and stepped forwards with the Lord once more.  After the service, someone came up to me and gave me a big hug, and started praying for me there and then.  They prayed for me to be freed from the devil’s attacks, and be open to the Lord.  It was such an amazing moment – it just happened.  They apologised afterwards for just coming and grabbing me, but I knew the Lord had told them to do that, and it didn’t bother me.  Indeed, I’ve really come to appreciate a good, decent, meaningful hug in the last few weeks.

In the days that followed, I was released, and I was free.  On the Monday night, I shared with that person that I had coped with a day at work, and I started praying for that person using “we”.  On the Tuesday evening we shared celebrations of making that two days coping, and on Wednesday three days.  I’d started really taking attention to some bible study notes that I had been given, and actually reading them more than just an odd day – and sharing them as the Lord was leading me.  On the Tuesday evening, I had the meeting with our minister.  I had arranged it when things were so dark the previous week, and now I was in such a better place.  We shared testimony and prayer, and I was feeling a real turning point going on.  That’s because God was taking control.  On the Wednesday evening, I again quietly shared of 3 days coping.  I contacted a friend I hadn’t seen for a while, and asked him if he had thought about going to a men’s breakfast we both used to be regulars at.  He hadn’t been for a while, and I hadn’t been for over two years.  It turned out that God was giving me the call to go, and him too.  I didn’t understand why at the time – I had stopped going because by the weekend, I needed space from Dad, and going with him to breakfasts wasn’t giving that space.  Dad will talk about work to anyone and everyone, where I just want to be away from it when I’m in the bad way I had been.

But before the weekend, danger was ahead.  Thursday completely broke me.  It was like back to square one.  I nearly cancelled the breakfast I had agreed to go to.  According to a message I sent, I got disturbed, and never did cancel.  As it was, I went on the Saturday morning, managed to sit with my friend, and we had our own conversation for most of the time.  Perhaps we weren’t that sociable with others, but the Lord had called us both there to be with each other for that time.

The next giant leap would come that Saturday afternoon.  It was the launch service for the new Lincoln Methodist Circuit.  That’s several hundred people coming together in a strange place.  And God was calling me there.  I hadn’t committed to going, but as it got closer and closer, God was pulling me and pulling me.  I got in the car with my parents, and I started shaking.  We got there, and I went in, being very shy, and still shaking.  We sat down – no space of my own and trapped around my parents.  The service went on.  The acoustics in the place were awful!  I just sat there, shaking.  I remember “with God, anything is possible”.

The end of the service came, and I was still shaking.  I looked around for a way to get some space, and didn’t see one.  We got up, and my parents started “mingling” and I drew myself away from them.  At the front, activity seemed rather frantic.  It turned out time was a little tight to get all the PA, music & AV equipment taken down before there was supposed to be another service.  So, I just started clearing and tidying cables.  I knew the worship leader and his parents, and a couple of the others involved.  There were several people I didn’t know, and a few people were wondering what I was doing – they were quickly told I knew what I was doing and so I just carried on.  Then we got it all into 3 cars.  My parents had gone by now – we were supposed to have gone to another venue for tea – or lots of sitting around chatting to random people.  That’s just not me.

It started raining, and we were rushing trying not to get the equipment or ourselves too wet.  I then asked where the equipment was going, and what else I could do.  I knew the person’s house it was going to, and was offered a seat to help unload it all, and then a lift back to where tea was.  We just got on with it.  We had all the musical equipment including a complete drum kit, PA and AV equipment dismantled, packed and unpacked, and were back eating tea inside 45 minutes.  I thought at that point this was just a way of me being able to cope with that day, but the Lord had more plans.

I had some food, and then had some brief discussions with a few people, and then found myself with the worship leader.  There is a back story here – I’ve known him for a long time, worked with him many years ago when we were in the same church, always got on, but our paths separated when he left the church I was in, which was shortly before I was told to stop doing technical stuff.  We got talking about the group he had led worship with, which was formed from a Thursday night meeting at their church called “Connected”.  We both commented on the acoustics, and he told me it was difficult for him to play, lead and deal with the sound at the same time.  I was quite surprised nobody was separately dealing with sound, and told him he should have said something.

I had been aware of “Connected” and there had been something put in my mind from a previous discussion with his Dad – indeed the previous time I had seen his Dad was at work on one of my disaster days, and I cried out to him to pray for the situation, which was about to come full circle.  Basically, Connected didn’t have a “sound man”, and we quickly reached the conclusion that that was going to be me!  We both started jumping around.  God had pulled me to that circuit service, not to be at the service, but to be there afterwards to set the ball rolling for things to come at “Connected”.

On the way out, I said to his Dad “see you next Thursday” – and he had no idea of the conversation.  He said “I hope not” – thinking I meant at work.  So I said “No – next Thursday evening!”  We all started jumping around.  Even my Dad got what was going on.

First, I had to get through the week and a half in between.  It was a week and a half because Connected is different each week of the month, and my “sound man” services were only required on two of the four weeks.  I knew if I was going to make a proper go of this opportunity, I had to try all 4 of the different things, not just the two I knew I had a place at.  That next Thursday was bible study – and the thought of starting in a group of mostly strangers with bible study was too much, and I didn’t go that first week.

The beginning of the first week was challenging.  Indeed most of that week was challenging.  By the Thursday my anxiety and emotions were well on top of me again, and I was crying out for prayer.  I had arranged to have the Friday off work, watching trains somewhere different to the normal places we go, meeting with a friend part way through the morning.  I’d decided to go early, as there was something I wanted to see.

Even that day off was a disaster.  What we went to see was badly affected by an incident meaning what we went to see wasn’t there to see.  I got ¾ of the way there, and had to dive to a toilet quickly – my stomach boiling over such was my state.  That continued all day, and I never rested or relaxed.  All that week I’d been getting nightmares and not sleeping.  Even the night before this when I was up before 4am, I was awake at 2am!  I came away some 5 hours earlier than I had planned, and made my way home, poorly and tired.

As before, I was two days recovering, and it was Sunday again when I started to feel sensible.  This was another turning point.  Seemingly nothing specific happened, but God was at work.

This next week, I had something to aim at.  Unlike other things, there were no nerves, no worry, just peace.  I knew I had been called to Connected on the Thursday evening, I knew I was going.  First there were four days to get through.  I shared the situation with the small group of friends once more, but this time I had the Lord firmly in my grasp.  But work still wasn’t good.  I still wasn’t dealing with the raging attacks from inside and outside of my situation.  I was in daily contact with a couple of people that week, and it made a huge difference very consciously praying.  I was focussed on not getting pushed aside and making it to God’s house where He had called me to.

On the Thursday, I coped with work.  I realise now because I had the Lord with me, and I was focussed.  I turned up to set up for Connected, and the Lord put everything in place.  I fitted in, I was given freedom to fulfil my calling, and it was wonderful.  It was some 5 or 6 years since I have been allowed so much freedom.  We all felt that relief being lifted, and several people who came to worship that evening knew something special was going on, if not exactly what.  It just all fitted together.

At the end of the evening, I was asked if I was doing anything on the Saturday evening…

But first came the Friday – Mum and Dad were going away for the weekend, leaving me on my own.  They were supposed to be finishing work early, but not as early as they should have.  I had invited a friend to home, just to have a chat and pray.  They offered to cook dinner with me as well, so we met up and waited for Mum and Dad to go, and then went and cooked dinner, shared what was going on, I shared some of this testimony indeed, and we prayed.  Again, this was something I’ve never done before – I’ve never invited a friend round, never cooked with anyone outside of my parents, and never felt to free to not have to worry about what someone else might be thinking.  We were both truly blessed, and we prayed the opportunity would come up again, or with one or two others perhaps?

On the Saturday, I went on tour with the “Connected Band” at another church.  A few people were surprised to see me there, but I knew God had called me.  We set up and got sorted, but there were some gremlins going on.  We were being attacked.  We brought it all to the Lord, and worked around every single problem, and the evening was a wonderful ministry to those who came.  I remember even spending some time with the Lord in peaceful prayer myself that evening.

The following day was our Harvest Festival at church.  I went knowing that was my chance to talk to people and have whatever time I needed in church without being in the timescales of my parents, who were still away.  I was very much in a brighter place after the previous 3 days – I had coped with 2 days at work and had three amazing evenings with the Lord.  The Lord called me to do something special that morning.  After the sermon given, the Lord called me to give testimony of the gifts He was harvesting in me.  So I stood at the front, and gave a very brief version of what I have written above, that I was starting to cope with work which I hadn’t been doing for so long, but that I was seeking prayer for the attacks and situations I was not yet on top of.  The church prayed for me there and then.  I still feel so blessed to have been able to share.  Indeed, there were two special people who fitted into the story who weren’t there, so I got a copy of the recording and sent it to them, so they too could share in what the Lord has been doing.  And I know many were blessed through the words I was given.

This was another big turning point.  I coped with the Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday…  A friend had asked me if I would take her to Connected, sensing how special that had been for me, and sensing she needed a God focus during the week too.  But I had just got through 4 days – and was aiming at a full set of 5.  Connected was in prayer that night – this was the week I needed to start talking to people there and not being that person who did the sound last week.  I figured the worst case was I’d be able to sit in prayer on my own and just have space with the Lord.  I had come so far, but had the hardest bit to go – that fifth day…

As it was, I was uplifted.  Some of the prayer focusses were just where I’d come from, so I gave thanks and focussed on the going forwards and praying for others.  I got through the necessary barriers.  On the Friday, I finally made it 5 whole days, and thus a whole week at work coping.  My goodness the attacks came, but I fought each and every one away, and went home in tears.  Actually, I didn’t go straight home.  I plastered Facebook with a celebration, and then went to see Grandma.  So many times I have turned up on her doorstep in floods of tears – that night was no exception, but the tears were relief and excitement – happy tears.  My uncle was with her, and we sat and talked and shared for about an hour.

That evening I spent all evening replying to messages of love and support that had come in on my Facebook, and sharing this huge achievement with people, and sharing ministry, prayers and testimony.  By the end of the weekend, I had people I’ve not seen for a long time wanting to meet up and catch up, people asking for prayer, and just generally feeling so blessed.  At church, I was bouncing around the place again, sharing with those I’d not been able to message.  People were saying how blessed they had been with my testimony the previous week, and how called to pray they had been.  Then I was able to tell them I had coped with the whole week – looking back – for the first time for at least 18 months.  Tears of emotion and joy were shed.

The next week, I again coped with the whole week.  At Connected, I proved that my ministry through sound was not a one off – again the Lord blessed the whole evening.  We had a speaker, as he spoke of his testimony, I felt the Lord saying to me “that’s you, that’s you” – everything he gave of the Lord was totally what I have been receiving.  When he finished, he said there was someone else with a testimony to give – that was me.  I gave the short version of this once again, to a group of people who mostly didn’t even know my name was Daniel.  The moment was perfect, my words from the Lord, and it really broke the ice at Connected.

I had a first train trip that weekend for some time, and for the first time in a long time, actually felt I was having a day away without needing to get away, without feeling I was running away, without feeling under pressure to need to relax in that one day, and probably never doing so as has happened so many times.  Instead, I sat on a train for many hours, chatting with the two friends I was with, watching the world go by, listening to the train, and praying.  That morning, I had automatically put my holding cross in my pocket.  I thought nothing of it until I started getting messages to my phone during probably the most expectant part of the journey.  To the noise of the loco pulling the train up a 1 in 36 incline, I was sat there sharing messages with two friends who were, entirely separately, struggling.  They had chosen me to talk to, to share with, and I prayed with and for them.  I got so emotional, I had to go in the toilet and let the emotion go and pray quietly for them.  The whole experience was a huge reminder that God is everywhere, all of the time.  It is an honour to pray and share with people, especially when they trust me.  In truth, I cannot think of another time like this.  I pray it won’t be the last.

As I write at the end of week three, I have again coped every day.  THREE WEEKS!  Some people may think I’m excited about nothing, but from where I’ve come from, this is HUGE!  At Connected, I was able to be part of a bible study and discussion without completely freezing through discomfort or not understanding.  At the end of the evening, the prayer I was given to share silenced the whole room.

The next evening I was again on tour with the Connected Band – and as before, the Lord granted us perfection in our worship.  I had a brand new sound mixing desk, and had absolutely no problem finding my way with a new, blank canvas.

On the Saturday, I went to the railway station to watch trains.  Nothing unusual in that at all, but I held conversation with one man for nearly four hours!  Then turned to the Lord, and said “what next?”  Another friend came along.  Indeed, one of those I was on the trip with the previous weekend.  He noted how much more relaxed I was.  He knows the Lord, and has had plenty of battles himself, but we talked about God, our faith and shared testimony for some time – I’ve known him quite a while now, but it was the first time we have shared together in the Lord.

When he left, I found myself waiting for a train that was 40 minutes late.  I figured that I’d been there for many hours, and so another 40 minutes wouldn’t make much difference, and I had no reason to be anywhere else.  Then came a friend I’ve not seen for several months.  We got talking, and it turned out a member of his family is being diagnosed with Autism.  I was able to share some of my experiences and offer him some advice from things I’ve seen and faced as someone with autism.  Eventually, I went home satisfied and in peace that the Lord had kept me there to share with all of these people.

Church the next day was a bit different – we were celebrating the work of CAP (Christians Against Poverty) – which our church is a Debt Centre.  I was troubled by the lunch that was to follow, and all the time where I was supposed to be chatting and socialising.  I sat there praying the Lord had some purpose for me being there.  And the Lord did have a purpose.  By the end of the intercessory prayers, the church had prayed for CAP generally and those being reached by CAP, but not those in the church carrying out the CAP work and ministry.  The Lord stood me up, and stopped the final blessing which was about to be given.  I walked to the front, and called the church to pray for those involved in the CAP work.  I invited those involved to the front to be prayed for, and led that prayer from the front.

After the service, and during lunch, I was talking with a lot of people.  I shared more parts of the testimony written here over lunch.  I lost count of the amount of people who had been touched by my calling to pray for people during the service – there were so many.  I knew again why the Lord had called me.

And so life with the Lord goes on…

But it’s not the whole story.  Work particularly hasn’t been easy.  I’m not lost that I’m waiting on the Lord for the right door to open to let me go from where I am.  The right opportunity, the right time, the right person?  I’m feeling my life has a long way to change yet, and the journey has just begun.

What I do know, and am so thankful for, is the small army of friends who are praying, have been there, are supporting me.  That army has grown over the last few weeks.  I have new friends, old friends and one special best friend – King Jesus.  He’s in charge now.  I’m determined not to let go this time.

I found my holding cross – buried in my bedroom, and now it sits in my pocket.  When I get attacked, I grab hold and give it straight to the Lord.  I’m not waiting for Sunday, or tonight, I do it now.  That’s been a huge difference.  I’m sharing with friends who share back, which is huge.  I’ve had so many one way friendships, that it’s so amazing I can’t describe to have real friends, sent by the Lord to look after me, and know that I am sharing with them too, and looking after them.  There may be only a couple of really close friends, but that’s enough.  Those friendships are growing.  Where we’ve hit a wobble, we’ve dealt with out and brought our friendship back to the Lord, and He’s healed it.

Although I still feel alone physically, emotionally I feel so strong.  I am fighting the attacks so much better and quicker.  No longer are things getting me down for days.  The attacks still come, both physically and emotionally; it’s just me dealing with them so much better.

And now I go forwards, building friendships, moving closer to the Lord, feeling confident to take the opportunities to share with people, accept the invites of people wanting to catch up for example, and knowing I am in the right place with King Jesus.  The difference in me is huge.  I fight with the armour of the Lord protecting me, and with the sword of His Holy Spirit extended to deal with the attacks that come my way.

People are telling me I’ve changed – I am still changing.  People are telling me I’m “on form”.  People are telling me how I am blessing them – the Lord is blessing You through what He gives to me.  People are responding to my words, my prayers, the things I share on social media, they are asking for prayer, they are opening up to me and to the Lord, and the Lord is giving me words and prayers to pray for and with people.  And the most beautiful image I have is of one friend having been totally immersed in the Lord’s peace, let me pray with them, and seeing the peace flow through them whilst I was praying, and knowing they were totally with the Lord at that moment, and they knew it and acknowledged it.

People keep telling me I have a ministry in prayer.  I am not sure where the Lord is taking me in this ministry – but I know He is taking me somewhere.  I feel like I’m only at the start of exploring what the Lord is calling me to do through prayer.  Being asked to pray for someone is special – so many of my friendships have only been one way – they haven’t felt able to share back with me.  These last few weeks, prayers have been moving both ways.  It’s even more special when friends ask to meet up, and more so still when we do meet up.  For me who so often sits here alone, it’s like a dream to break all the life barriers down and sit with someone – talk, pray, share…  I’ve had a couple of opportunities now, but I’ve struggled when those opportunities aren’t there.  I feel I’m limited at the moment.  I don’t feel I’m maximising the call the Lord has given me, and I’m not seeing where or how to develop the situations.  I pray the Lord will give me vision for where to go next.

Going forwards, every day continues to be a battle.  As I’m having more bits of conversation, I get frustrated when they so often frizzle out.  I’m still misunderstanding what people are saying daily.  I know I feel lonely at some point every day.  It’s sometimes worse when a time of sharing or opportunity passes – and I realise my day to day situation is just me.  I find it difficult if I realise I won’t be able to see someone who has stood out for a long period of time, or if I have to miss something I want to be a part of because other commitments place me elsewhere.  I don’t get many opportunities to break out of the place I spend most of my time.  I don’t get many options to actually meet with friends.  When they come, they are so special, but when they aren’t there, I miss them so much.  I know I push my friends.  I know I push on them because I have relatively so few.  I always want more of their time than they do of mine.  It’s one thing I find hard to deal with, as so often it feels like friends don’t want me, or only want me when I fit in.  So often, I don’t fit in, or I can’t cope with the bigger groups of people, or I just don’t see how the big exciting things fit.  Someone asked me the other week what my ideal weekend would be, and I said “sitting on the sofa with that special person and being totally at one with them – feeling able to be physical and emotional together – I just dream of being able to share all of my life with someone, and have someone feel the same about me.”

Well – actually, I have the Lord.  I share my life with Him.  He is with me all of the time.  He holds my hand, He sends light to fill my darkness, He guides me through my battles, and we come together in great strength, love, peace and power to fight every moment.

In these last weeks, my life has changed.  The Lord is sharing words, prayers and encouragement through me, He has called me to ministry through prayer and sound, He has blessed me with new and old friends, people to talk to, opportunities to do new things I have never done before, amazing images of people touched by His work in me, and so much more…  There is so much more than I have been able to share in this post.

I pray you have been touched as you have read this, as I have many times as these events have taken place, and again putting them into words to share.  I pray for you if you don’t know the Lord, that you will see He is real, and how He has been working in my life.  Please feel free to leave a comment of how you have related to this, or perhaps put a message of encouragement for others too?  Perhaps this has called you to write about what is going on in Your life?

I pray for what comes next, and I pray for those called to be my friends, and to be a part of my journey, that the Lord will continue to bless us, and build our friendships, and develop our journey, and we will be open to His calling.

All thanks, praise and glory in this testimony is solely to King Jesus.  Amen.

30th Birthday Party

I want to write about my 30^th birthday.  It was described as a milestone.  Some people may see it as such.  Some might look back at memories.  Some might celebrate by having a big party, going for a night out and getting drunk or having some time away with friends.  For me – my birthday isn’t this.  I try to take the opportunity to get my family all together – this year there’s another couple of weeks until we can manage this, so it seems a little separate.  I see that as getting together as a family, rather than it being for my birthday.  There always has been 2 or 3 family birthdays within the same week, so we celebrate all together.

To be honest, today to me is Sunday.  My birthday really doesn’t mean very much.  I said before today that people are welcome to have a drink for me, celebrate remembering it’s my birthday or whatever.  Today, I’m just doing normal Sunday things, and so are my parents.  So I went to church this morning, I’ve had lunch, I’ve caught up on e-mails, my railway gen group work was finished yesterday, and so now I sit ant my computer actually with not much to do.

I was taken out for dinner last night by Grandma, along with my parents.  It was a good meal, but there are always the little aggravations somehow.  It all just felt normal – just very normal.  I had the feeling today would be just like that too.  I don’t have the group of friends to do things with.  I don’t have that sense of a special occasion.  I just have me.  I can’t cope with big things, strange circumstances or too many one-offs anyway.

This morning at church, a series of special things happened.  I knew some people would probably make a bit too much of a fuss out of my birthday, that I would probably be sung at, and whether or not I got the option to be me or not would depend on others.  For the first time in quite some time, I didn’t feel awkward.  Those who wanted to wish me a happy birthday could do so, by coming to me in one corner, without too much fuss.  That’s what happened.  Some people who regularly share hugs with me did so.  There were the usual old people who didn’t believe I am 30, and a few who will just hug and kiss anyone because that’s them.

But there was one very different moment before the service started.  One young lady came up to me, greeted me with a hug, and then sang happy birthday to me for the duration of her hug.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I am quite sensitive in whom I share hugs with, and how I approach people.  This young lady has been someone I have been able to share a hug with since the first time we were introduced in church on Christmas Day a few years ago.  I say this because someone else coming up to me and offering me a hug might freak me out completely!  Anyway, we shared that hug for the duration of her singing happy birthday to me, and it just felt so warm and loving.

Nobody has ever done something like that with me before, let alone a moment that so completely connected with me.  I sense I said thank you at the time, but I sense my thank you was a bit underwhelming after what she shared with me – I’ll do my best to send you an outgoing, bubbly thank you to match the outgoing bubbly hug and song you gave me, but being her way was being typically her, and I guess my underwhelming response was typically me.  Sorry!

We shared an all too brief conversation after that about a couple of things, and one difficult subject of conversation came up – difficult for both of us.  I sense she felt guilty, but I feel like I got a big baseball bat and attacked that difficult subject far, far away (not literally).  Our conversation ended more positively, but all too briefly, as the service started.  The friendly love, warmth and the spark she gave me came out during the service, which she was not able to directly witness at the time.

After the congregation sang happy birthday to me, which was completely ordinary, the service started.  During a time of worship, we were encouraged to share in prayers of thanks and praise.  I started to have a sense that this was my birthday party.  Someone prayed thanks for me and my birthday, and so I prayed.  I can’t bring the prayer word for word, as that was in the moment with the Holy Spirit, but I can bring some idea of what came through me.  I prayed of thanks for my birthday, for sharing my birthday party with my brothers and sisters in Christ, for sharing my birthday as part of God’s party, open to all of us, and gave thanks that God’s party is on all of the time, and not just on my birthday.

It really did feel to me like we were sharing in my birthday party as just a small part of God’s amazing never-ending party as the whole church were in touch with the Holy Spirit.  And the spark came from that most unexpected of moments with an amazing warrior sent by God.

I never got the chance to share what happened with her after the service, but I trust she will read this and know what God called her to do today.  And I pray that my sharing of my birthday party shared as part of God’s amazing never-ending party will touch you.

It won’t be what many people call a party.  It wasn’t a party I was expecting to understand, but my invite was there, and I accepted it.  Will you accept your invite to God’s party?

Amen.

Lost in the Swirling Cycle…

It’s been 6 months since I last wrote, and not through not wanting to – more being able to control my mind into doing something other than composing a big rant or screaming at the scenery at times.  I’ve had a really difficult time following on from a difficult 2016, which I detailed in my last post.  Many of the things that were dragging around in 2016 have come to an end, without any replacements having been found.  Many of the doors that were ajar have been slammed shut, some after a considerable time of maybe – whilst others remain ajar as I wait for people to be honest about situations which may or may not ever have existed.

It’s very difficult to know where to start – I have the feeling that some people who may read this will not agree with the way I see things – but this is how I see things, and how it has left me.  My social life has had a severe battering in 2017.  I started off being part of a model railway group which had a lot of difficult people, some difficult times and some moments I just didn’t cope with in 2016.  I had a group of friends I would speak with several times per week, or at least with individuals from that group several times per week.  And there were the one off, specific events at various points during the year.  Fast forward to the middle of 2017, and most of this has ceased, not through my choice.

The model railway club I rejoined in 2015/16 following the illness and subsequent death of my best friend chose to give me very little support in the various ongoing issues, and it came to a point before Easter where I was given no place within the group.  I have mentioned several issues of individuals disliking me, several issues of discrimination took place against me and others in the past, which were just brushed under the carpet by those running the group.  This carried on right to the end, and as I understand it, beyond my involvement.

Shortly before Easter, with the Annual General Meeting coming up, several issues would have to have been discussed relating to these matters, and several people made it clear that I was causing issues by bringing things up, and by continuing to attend.  My place was taken away, my roles were taken away, and so one Monday evening, I found myself at the local railway station for a few hours instead of at the model railway group because my place had been taken away.  It was an evening where none of the people I got on with were there, and the last remaining support in what I was doing there disappeared.  When several people turned on me that night, I had no choice but to end that there.

In the weeks that have followed, I tried to speak with people I thought I could trust there, but they have been completely uninterested in talking to me, and they continue not to have replied to me.  I don’t miss being there, but I do miss the good friendships now destroyed by what happened, and no longer being able to see people I considered my friends.  But, even they haven’t been interested in talking to me about what happened, or indeed about anything else.

That night, I turned to another group of people I thought were my friends, as I waited for my lift home.  As mentioned in my last post, I had become a part of testing railway signalling simulations again in 2016, and thought I was a part of one of the social groups related to that.  That Monday evening, I managed to find the right individuals to help me deal with that very raw situation.  However, like the model railway club, it wasn’t to last.  Like the model railway club, it looks to me like individuals took exception to me, and in this case, one evicted me from the group.  All I was given was “Enough is enough”.

There had been various issues involving the activities we did as a group with people outside or on the fringes of the group, surrounding the inclusion of everyone (often I was one in the difficult place, but it wasn’t just me).  It had become apparent to me that I was being kept away from some discussions and some activities, and with the lack of contact from anyone, including those I thought I had strong friendships with has led me to believe I was being led into some rather false and fake friendships.  At least I know that now in some cases – in other cases, I believe we have been forced apart.

That all happened on the Friday evening.  I spent the next two weeks really struggling, as I literally had nothing to do.  I can’t remember how many times I just wanted someone to phone me, talk to me, and want to actually know I existed.  I lost count of how many nights I went to bed not wanting to wake up in the morning, and then finding I never actually slept to wake up from.  I lost the ability to talk to people at will, without having to specially arrange something, without others being in the way, and without it being forced to fit around a specific activity.  Nothing has replaced that since, and I am nowhere close to seeing an alternative.

As I mentioned earlier, the group is primarily for the development and testing of railway signalling simulations.  I was still in contact with one person I worked with who wasn’t specifically part of the group who evicted me.  I felt like on that Sunday evening, like I had to force that person to talk to me, so I could try to clear my system somewhat.  We had a conversation, but since then, contact has dried up, and I really don’t know where I stand.  I can’t do anything in this area by myself – I cannot work on any project without someone giving me it to work on.  I always have been totally reliant on others to allow me to be a part of these groups and projects, and right now, I have nothing.  Nothing to do to help me keep occupied, keep my mind from all the horrible things going on, or to allow me any social interaction.  I sit here waiting to find out if I have a place left at all, or not, or if I will just be ignored.

2017 has seen so few specific things in my diary.  The groups I am no longer a part of have left big holes which I cannot fill with nothing and nobody.  The group I have met up with several times watching trains with over many years  no longer welcomes me, and so I simply haven’t had any trips to places away watching trains this year.  Indeed, I have only had 1 day off work in 6 months, and don’t have anything else booked.  I don’t see how taking time off to be alone in my world has any benefit to me.  My parents complain when I take time off, and it’s made a hassle to me to take time off, so without anything to take that time off to do, there is no point.  I’m stuck doing the same things, filling my day getting wound up and upset, with no way out.

The work situation has not changed.  I am still the ‘scape goat, issues are blamed on me, and I am repeatedly seen as the problem.  Yet I cannot get out.  I have applied for a lot of jobs this year (over 100), some targeted and some not.  I have had 3 interviews, plus two more cancelled due to administrative errors on the part of the people interviewing me.  Nothing has got me any further towards a change – going through the system just brings on more hassle, aggravation, stress and leaves me feeling completely rejected.  I can’t carry on being subjected to what I am every day, then coming home to a big black hole of nothing now that I have been rejected by the social groups and activities I was doing, and then just being expected to plough on the next day.  I regularly don’t sleep properly at night, then fall asleep mid-evening and not sleep the next night, or feel absolutely shattered by mid-afternoon when the sleep loss catches up with me.

I’m finding it so difficult to balance what I can cope with against what is being expected of me.  I’m struggling to maintain the working relationships I have with individuals and companies who are so “on/off” with me.  I find I can do something, and then ask for the information I need, and they won’t give it to me, so I can’t do what’s being asked.  I find people allow me to be a part of something for a period, and then just ignore me for a couple of weeks, and then it starts again like nothing’s happened.  It’s hard trying to find where I stand.  In some cases, we talk about a job.  I have some really meaningful conversations, but in the industry I’m in, it seems to be normal and acceptable to just spit people out at the key moment.  In one case, it lasted nearly six months of “if” and “maybe” and supposedly talking to others before a “no” came.  With another company, I applied for the job I was told to, and then was completely rejected and told I wasn’t an appropriate person.  In another case, it wasn’t what I could do, it was what I couldn’t do that stopped the conversations.  No company wants to fill the gap and teach me the missing things I need to be able to do.  Nobody wants to see me for who I am, and allow me to access a better place, one I can start coping with.

I don’t get through a day at the moment without getting angry and/or upset.  I don’t get through a week without at least one sleepless night.  But for the big world, I can’t prove I can do something I don’t know, I can’t prove I can cope, and I can’t prove I can fill the gap.  I can prove what I can do, I can try to work with people on a level basis, but find that people and companies think they are above a little person working for a little company.

Repeat over and over again, and I just fall apart.  It’s either anger or crying my eyes out – sometimes many times per day.  The problem now is I’ve lost the social interaction to help me get away from the day job.  I spend so much time to myself now when nobody wants to know me.  I’ve lost the confidence to start a conversation with people now, because so many people I once saw as friends now ignore me, or have betrayed me, or turned against me.  Over the years, I get odd conversations with people, and then occasionally the odd conversation will spread into a series of conversations.  But over years, they never seem to last.  The moments fade away, someone or something else takes over their world, something changes, and I’m left here, on my own.  It just doesn’t come out of my system – in the evening, at the weekend, when I’m doing something else entirely – it’s all there in the back of my mind.  I don’t escape anymore.

I sit here waiting for the moment, the person, the circumstance that will allow me to be a part of something I can cope with.  A friend, a group, an activity, a job?  Some big or small thing that will change my life, give me confidence, allow me to become me again, instead of being stuck in this swirling spiral.  Right now, without something changing, I’m going nowhere.

What have I got left?  A job that is not working out.  Add to the above the talk of what happens when my parents retire.  For me, there’s no way I can carry on their business – aside from the lack of remaining staff, lease on the premises and changing industry, I would change now.  The world won’t accept me though.  Nobody will take a chance that I might be able to be a part of their group, help fill their hole or do something better with them.

I’ve got church.  But, one I have to be so careful in who I talk to, who I can trust, what I am allowed to do.  I’ve gone into specifics in previous posts – the situation doesn’t change.  There are people there who think they are above me.  There are people there who try to wade into my world.  There are people there who tell me it’s “tough” that I have issues.  I see signs of how things might get better, but signs again of what’s happened in other groups and being shown the door.

I’ve got my own world around my computer, and my railway group to run.  That’s not easy.  I’m always feeling like I’m different to everyone else – that my level is higher, and that I put in a lot more than I get out.  There are politics which frequently annoy me.  Indeed, I have the feeling that despite having over 1,000 members and despite being a very active regional railway group, the group cannot move forwards, and indeed I cannot see how the group goes forwards.  It’s stuck where it is, and I feel like I’m one step away from stepping away.  I really don’t know where to take it, but I really feel on my own with this great thing which I don’t have control of.  Time will tell if once incident pushes me over the edge as nearly happened earlier in the year, or if the group muddles along for a bit longer.

And I’ve got lots of ifs, buts and maybes.  Can I find a job I can cope with and will allow me space to establish my own self?  Can I find individuals and/or a group of friends who I really can get on with, where there is no false stuff going on, and will last for years to come, and not just be occasional?  Can I find people who want to know me, want to talk to me, and indeed enough people that I’m not a burden when I need help and they are one of such a few people I can go to that I go to them every time?  Can I find ways to deal with my daily situation?  Ways to get away from what causes me such difficulties?

I search for a way out, and a better way to allow me to cope, and thrive.  I feel like I am reliant on someone giving me a fair chance, not messing me about, not looking at what I cannot do, but working with me to use what I can do, teaching me new things I need to be able to do, and moving forwards better and stronger.  I’ve been searching for many years, and I continue to search for my opportunity.  I fear the world will just continue to reject me for all the reasons that I don’t fit, instead of finding the places I do fit, and allowing me to work on the fringes where I might not quite fit.

I find no other way to end this but to simply pray:

Lord – HELP ME!

Finding a Place…

It’s been some months since I’ve written.  Last time I posted, I’d just lost a lifetime best friend, and it took me some time to work my way around this.  In many respects, the hole Paul has left me with is still there.  I’ve said before that I’ve chosen not to write in the bad times, but this time will have to be an exception, as I’m not escaping the lows.

I’ve had a lot of things going on during 2016 – many things coming to an end, some re-starting, or trying to re-start, hitting a lot of issues, people not supporting me, and quite honestly, I’m not sure how long I can keep going for.

It’s just after Christmas as I write, and on top of everything else, I’m full of cold/flu or whatever this bug is.  Last time I had this sort of thing, it took over 5 weeks to get rid of it, simply because I wasn’t emotionally or mentally strong then, and I’m no better now – indeed, perhaps even worse.  The lows are as low as they’ve ever been, and the highs very few and far between.  My world is a lonely one most of the time.  And when I do get a rare opportunity to spend time with someone who wants to spend their time with me, there are usually others along too, or too many people I don’t trust around to do anything but hide away the truth.  There are still people around who think they know all about me, people who still think I use autism as an excuse for not doing things, and then the majority who just ignore me, because they think I’m not worth their time.  Some things just don’t change, and probably never will.

I know that some people reading this will recognise some of the things I am writing, some of the situations mentioned, and maybe even themselves.  I do not intend to hurt or upset anyone, but I know I probably will as I tell it from my mind and my heart.  I’ve spent many, many days recently wanting to cry or burst out several times each day, simply because the weight on me is so great, but I’ve not been able to deal with it.  Even if I have in part, it just comes back the next day or after the weekend or the next time the same situation arises.

I’ll start with work since it’s the thing that dominates my world.  The situation has been getting worse again.  My parents choose to blame me for anything and everything, and then others join in too.  I cope with some things, and not with others.  The parts of my job I get any satisfaction from are becoming less and less through a combination of less manpower and therefore less work meaning fewer parts to buy.  It also means my position is less viable, and it looks like there will be a time coming soon when this takes over as a key issue.  Having lost one member of staff, and another being part time until he retires in the spring after having a stroke, I am having to do more tasks which just aren’t me, and I don’t understand, so sometimes I can only go so far, and then that’s not good enough for my parents, and they blame me.

I try to keep busy doing what I understand – buying parts.  But, it’s becoming harder and harder as the big companies become bigger, and the little man becomes littler.  No matter how strong individual relationships become, I’m still the little man.  I get promises made, and broken regularly – some little, some big.  Some made by an individual and broken by the company they work for – others just not kept.  I fight in an industry where little people aren’t supposed to know the truth, and aren’t given a place to fight.  It breaks me trying to work in relationships biased to the big people all the time.

It’s so frustrating when I find something that’s obviously wrong, for example in a company’s catalogue, and I report it, and it’s either ignored, acknowledged or only part fixed.  I’d say over 75% of what I find is like this.  When I ask for a job to sort it out, they refuse.  It goes in cycles – I find a relationship that works for a while, and then it gets broken up.  For me, it works for a while, gives me something to do, sometimes I get to the point of finding false hope that this might finally be the time it’s a real chance, and then it gets cut off, or someone stabs me in the back, goes back on what’s been said before, and just leaves me sat there wondering what to do next, and how much of my life I wasted pursuing something that just wasn’t realistic.  Only I didn’t see it.  Sometimes, I find I’ve been used – be it my knowledge and understanding or willingness to work with people over and beyond my direct job.  When it ends, I’m back to square one.  Any positives I got from what I was doing just stop, and leave a great big hole – to be filled by those blaming me for everything, and ridiculing me.

Work is such a hard place – surrounded by all of this, and knowing that it’s only a matter of time before the plug is pulled - listening to talk of retirement every day, listening to older people moaning about computers taking over and the job changing.  Hoping and praying for a way out before I end up with nothing.  It’s unusual to get through a day without bursting into tears.  And then that’s my fault too.  I’m given situations that I just can’t handle, and then told if I can’t cope, I should get out.  I want out, but there’s no door open to go to.  It’s so hard to go into the toilet and burst into tears, and not to make a sound, and then be able to come out in a “normal” amount of time.  If I’m really not coping, it can take me half an hour or more to calm down and be ready for something else – so often that time isn’t there, and something else happens first, and the outpouring just starts again.

Perhaps the hardest thing is when someone I know comes into reception, and asks how I am, and I have to lie to them and say I’m fine, often holding the tears back as I try to get the words out – simply because there are others around who I have to pretend everything’s OK too.  Sometimes these people know perfectly well I’m not OK, others don’t realise that they’ve just asked me at the wrong time.  I’ve learned to say very little whilst anyone else is around.  I’ve even stopped trying to go outside away from others for a quick chat, because I’ll just be followed to make sure I can’t say anything.

I dream of the day where one of the relationships I build actually lasts, and maybe takes me somewhere.  I’ve been told so many times that I could do a job, but when it comes to the crunch of me actually applying or saying I’m looking, there’s never an opportunity.  People seem to have this habit of getting my hopes up, and then breaking them.  The problem is I don’t tick the boxes of any HR department.  I just want to be given the opportunity to do something I can do.  I know I’ve shown what I can do, but that’s never enough.

I’ve been searching for another job for over 7 years now, so far without any success.  The closest I’ve come is people saying I can do something, but not taking seriously that I’d actually leave where I am now stuck.  Having gone through many processes and assessments and interviews, it’s one of the most horrible things I’ve ever done.  I don’t want to go and talk to 2 strangers about what I might to if xyz happens, totally freeze up and know that I’ve wasted a day of my life.  I’ve known for a long time my best chance is someone who knows me, knows what I can do, how I work putting me in a gap and letting me fill it.  But, the world doesn’t work like that – so I have to struggle on in the hope of the HR way of ticking boxes.  Autism doesn’t tick boxes.  Real people with real experience get to know me.  I look for the one who doesn’t use that against me, and then I can move on.

I fully accept that I will end up moving out of home – it’s become very clear that working away from my parents won’t work being around them so much.  It’s something that scares me, but I’m getting more hurt by being trapped where I am than the thoughts of being somewhere else.  I need to start my life, but I search for the right place to do this.

Home life is a hard place – mostly because of work.  I don’t get a proper break very often – if I come home and shut myself in my room until dinner time, any attempt to switch out of work will be erased at the dinner table, when my parents can’t keep off the subject.  Weekends are very similar too.  I get complained at because I have my bedroom door closed – closed to stop sound travelling in.  Sometimes I really don’t want to listen to another debrief of what’s gone on at work all day.  Even over Christmas, I didn’t get a full 10 days off without two interruptions – a knock on the door on Boxing Day and a phone call followed by a home visit on New Year’s Eve.  Yes – really!

I find I need to be separate from work when I’m not there, and maintaining this is very difficult.  Even at church, work is never far away – it’s rare for there not to be a conversation that ends up talking about something to do with work, which just brings back everything I’ve spent the previous day and a half trying to get away from.  I just wish people would understand I don’t work 7 days per week, and I need my own space.

It’s also very difficult to have conversations with certain people, especially those close to my parents.  It’s challenging enough turning up to a place where some of the leadership have betrayed me, and pretend nothing happened, until I should hint at any technical, and then they go defensive on the whole situation.  Some people I just steer clear of, some people I tolerate, and occasionally I’ll find someone to talk to away from those in the above categories for something like long enough to have meaningful conversation.  If something has upset me or made me emotional, often because it’s the first time for a week I’ve started relaxing, then people start wanting to know what’s wrong and I can’t open up, I stop relaxing and get worked up again.  And so it goes on…

It’s nearly impossible to strike the right balance that works.  It’s now common for me to be asked to count the money, which can be a useful side-line to having to talk to people I can’t talk to, but unhelpful if I do want to talk to someone who has then gone by the time I’ve finished.  Again – the cycle just goes around another week…

I’m often struggling on Sunday because I’ve not managed to get away from things on the Saturday.  I’ve found Saturdays often to be a lonely day – indeed the one day I am usually free to do as I please, but the best I can do is hide things away behind a guard, and pretend all is wonderful – only for it to come back when I go home, when something has been arranged that involves me when I wanted to not be involved, or at best, the next day.  It’s where I miss Paul so much, as we’d often meet up and just chat on a Saturday, which gave me that chance to clear out.  Now, it just snowballs up.

Over a short period, the combination of things builds up in me, and gives me physical problems.  Stress, anxiety about what comes next and depression all creep up, and then come out in silent rages, bursts of tears, also usually silent, and explosions of gases at either end which really aren’t good.  I’ve put on weight and have regular headaches.  I seem to often get rather tired as my body fights all this, but then don’t sleep because of the stress and anxiety in my head, which leads to nightmares when I do sleep.

Over some weeks, this has been getting worse, along with some of the situations.  I notice getting more tired as the week goes on, and it makes me less tolerant of the situations I am faced with.  The whole series of things just gets me down, and there’s so little opportunities to escape, and no way out at the moment.  So, whatever I do, the cycle just goes around and around.  In the bigger picture, my body doesn’t cope well, and I am more open to bugs/flu/colds etc, and I take a lot longer to fight through them – the last one I had for over 5 weeks.  Add being poorly to the list of stresses and anxieties, and again, the whole lot just swirls around and around with me stuck in the middle.

Some of the images I’ve seen and nightmares I’ve had really have been dark, dark places.  I’ve been as low as I ever have been at times.  I don’t feel I’m in control of my way out, and am just stuck here waiting someone to rescue me.  I keep trying to seek that person, job, place etc – and I’m still trying.

So – what else do I try?  Once a week, I get out of home to the model railway society I returned to after Paul fell ill.  Last Christmas, I was invited back to cover for a shortage of operators (the layout requires 10 signallers to run a prototypical railway on an intensive timetable).  That I did, and have been going since.  The operating situation quickly became apparent to me as a mess.  Having written the rosters, unknowingly to most others, for that Christmas exhibition based on what I thought I could run after a period away, and being the one who found the way to make the situation work the best, I fell into the rostering position which Paul had been covering since I left, and one or two others were dabbling with, but to me, not seriously enough to give any consistency.  I established in my own mind where the issues were on the railway, and where the gaps were, and set about filling them.  It probably wasn’t the most popular move, but finally after 12 months, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s not been easy – I’ve had issues at exhibitions with stress through railway and external issues coming together.  The worst one for me though was this Christmas exhibition.  Up to an hour before the start, we didn’t have enough members to run the whole railway for the whole afternoon following the committee’s decision to have an exhibition on a working day, and then not make sure the members could cover the date.  As it was, an extra member made themselves available an hour before the start.  Unfortunately, this situation was my responsibility as the operating department, and it got at me for over a week leading up to the date whilst I tried to find people to cover the shortage I had.  On the other occasions I’ve not coped through the year, I fully know why.  This time, I don’t know what happened in the ten minutes before I smashed one train into the back of another, and didn’t know I’d done it until someone told me (the train was about a metre from me as well).

I’m told I’d not done several things in that ten minutes, but I can’t confirm.  Someone else had to step in, so one person never got their break that day, and has made it known he wasn’t happy about it, not understanding quite the situation I was in.  As it was, I went upstairs, away from the railway, left completely alone.  It took me an hour of crying deeply to reset enough to return to the railway, by which point it was the end of the exhibition.  I managed to stay away from those who were upset by “my actions” though I was subjected to hearing it from a distance.

My role within the society is a difficult one, though one I do for the best of the society and the bigger picture, not for individuals, some of whom have big egos.  It’s a fairly controversial one.  When I took over the rostering after returning, some didn't like it – though nobody else wanted it on a consistent basis.

I was challenged as not being able to understand running the railway, and not understanding the need to challenge people, because I have autism.  A society member threatened to leave over my rostering, after telling a committee member a different story to what they told me. 

After Paul and another longstanding member passed away, there was a vacancy on the committee, which was filled at a by-election in June.  I was nominated by some of the younger members of the society to represent them, whilst a number of established members nominated the person who had made the above claims and threats.  Two existing committee members both told me I was unsuitable to be elected to the committee because I have autism.  I did serve for nearly three years previously, before I was kicked out by the establishment.  It did feel very much like the younger group against the establishment.

Unfortunately, the election being held on an exhibition day rather than at an AGM meant some members weren’t available to attend.  It was very clear I wasn’t the popular choice with many of the establishment.  So much so that it came out in the week leading up to the election that one committee member had been taking proxy/postal votes for the ballot, which were not permitted under the society’s rules.  They even tried to claim the society had to accept the postal/proxy votes under law – using a law that didn’t apply to this society.  These extra votes, all I believe were against me, were thrown out eventually, but not without a further battle on election day.

Each of the two candidates was asked to nominate scrutineers, as there wasn’t an AGM to appoint them.  This was done supposedly to maintain fairness.  However, as the roster clerk, I had to consider this at the start of the exhibition.  I was only told that the other candidate had nominated a non-operating member, and I knew exactly who that was, and why.  I wrote my roster, and left someone spare at the beginning who couldn’t vote in the election, but I knew would make sure the scrutineering was done by the book.  As it turned out, the nominated scrutineer refused to accept the postal/proxy votes weren’t allowed, and refused to scrutineer the election, so a replacement had to be found.  I’d worked out it didn’t matter – I knew the establishment would out vote me after it was found that a group of people hadn’t paid subscriptions, so weren’t eligible to vote.  My fight was over, and I lost the election.

During the weeks after the election, it came out that the nominations had been carried out at the request of some who were not eligible to nominate, and without asking the person they nominated.  Again, they formed part of this group of 3 or 4 people who were stubbornly against anything I did.  After that, things haven’t got much better.  The group of 3 or 4 who grouped against me still refuse to accept my role in the operating department, which was finally agreed by the committee in the autumn – yes – it took that long!  They also failed to recognise the discrimination laid at me – just reminding all members that discrimination of any kind against anyone (I hadn’t been the only one with issues) was no acceptable.  I still spend very little time around this group, and others have noted various things going in which this group doesn’t have the support of.  Whether or not I’ll be nominated this year I don’t know, but I might stand a better chance at a full election rather than at a biased by-election?

Operating wise, after 12 months, I am seeing some light.  I have stuck with my plan to fill the gaps, and the gaps are filling.  Many weeks I have struggled on for the good of everyone, not necessarily for the good of me.  I still think of walking away quite regularly, as when the group against me are in number, the evenings made are very difficult.  Added to everything else in my cycle and swirling around my head, it’s another thing stopping me from sleeping and appearing in nightmares, especially leading up to key dates or exhibitions where issues may occur.

In 2016, we said goodbye to three long standing members of the society.  It was after the third of their funerals in August, that having a few hours spare in Leicestershire gave me the opportunity to catch up with a friend who now lives in America, whilst he was visiting family in the UK.  It was one of those very rare occasions I do something “normal” – we sat in a pub drinking, had dinner, and talked for several hours.  He was the developer of the railway signalling simulations I had done work for in the past, but I had to walk away when things became difficult.  Although we had been in touch, and I had done odd bits & pieces on a quite specific level at various points after I had to leave, this was the first time I was able to have an open conversation about things.

As it was, since the whole thing got commercialised by the owners, and several people were hung outside of the commercialisation, his project, also outside of the commercialisation, that project had stalled.  I was asked back.  After a lot of consideration, I agreed but it had to be cleared with those on the inside.  Eventually it would have been obvious I was involved, and better to be open from the beginning.

On this basis, and before rumours started, I returned to a group of people I spent time chatting to, testing simulations for and other things in the past.  Some of the group were very welcoming, others less so, and one or two a bit put out that I’d returned.  A few things were reconciled, whilst others rumble on.  I am a part of some of that group, sometimes.  It can be the place I need sometimes to chat, but sometimes very frustrating when things go on that I cannot be part of.  The worst thing is these periods seem to go in spells, so a week or two at a time that is OK, and then a week or two that I wish I hadn’t logged into.  There’s not much I can do about it.  When it works, it’s good for me.  When it doesn’t, it’s just one more thing.

The one thing that’s perhaps been the hardest though is the simulation testing.  Picking up simulations that are told to me to be in a better state than they actually are is hard work justifying the issues.  Finding out so many things have been watered down for what is and isn’t acceptable is difficult for me when I’m looking for it being right or wrong – not two different things both being right.  The hardest thing of all has been the lack of acceptance on the inside for me being allowed to test simulations.  I was accused of lying, making false accusations which continue to be proved to this day by other testers, and generally not being respected by that inside group.

As I sit here now, I wonder if this whole series of events since August isn’t working, now that I’m in a bad place.  If I leave what little social interaction I have, I become even more alone, and I may miss out on those occasional good moments, with people I can trust, I can talk to or can do something productive with.  A few years ago, I dropped out of every group I belonged to when I fell apart, and at the moment, I can see this happening again, as I don’t properly fit into any of them.

The problem this time is I realise my biggest problem of all is not having a job, the thing that allows me to live, that I fit into, that I am accepted into, and that makes me want to get up in the morning and fight for.  The hardest thing about being so alone is knowing who I can turn to, who I can trust, and who can help me out of the darkness.  I ask people who I think can help me, and as yet, I wait for that help.

I dream of the day where I come home from work and can honestly say I coped with everything.  I enjoyed myself.  I got something out of it.  I was recognised for what I did.  I dream of the day where I can chose my own space, my own time, have my own existence, instead of being trapped where I am.

Then the dream of having a friend round to my house (or probably flat), chilling out, doing something normal together, and not having to force it to happen.  I want to find out who I am, and what I can do.

I just need to find the person who will give me that chance, give me freedom, take a chance that I, who doesn’t tick the boxes, can fill that box, and can overflow that box, as I believe I can.

Lord,

Help me to find that person who will give me a chance in life, allow me freedom, take a chance that I can fill their box, and so much more.  Help me to find the right place where I fit in.  Take my darkness away.  Allow me to live in the light again.

Help me!

Amen